A FARCE- OR IS IT?
“This morning on the Peter Pepperstone Radio Show, we are talking with Dr. Anthony Maxwell Jones. Dr. Jones has a Ph.D. in chemistry with a focus on textiles. This is according to his resume which is in front of me. We understand that Dr. Jones upon getting his Ph.D. from the University of Iowa, was immediately hired by the University of Mississippi as a junior assistant professor. He spent the next four years in the lab, and then with his specialty he spent two years at the University of California. He wrote in his resume that every increasing skill in textile research that Ohio State courted he and where he spent two years. Go Buckeyes.”
“Folks, he next wrote Brigham Young University, sought him and his research. H was there for three years, and he writes was stolen away by the University of Notre Dame, then a year at Liberty University, and a special research year at Calvin College. Oh my God, Dr. Jones, You covered the whole church spectrum.”
“Yes, Peter, I did. I am pleased to say that in my humble, unbiased opinion, I enhance the minds of students, research staff, and professors with my various breakthroughs. It is amazing that, as each contract ended, everyone was incredible in assisting me in moving. I guess they held me in awe. The Mormons sent me to the Roman Catholics, who, in turn, suggested, highly suggested I might add, to go to Evangelical Fundamentalists and then to the Baptists. Many, many times, I have heard faculty, staff, and students say, “Dr. Jones, we have never, ever met a person like you. What a compliment.”
“Good morning, it is 5:20 a.m. if you have just tunned in, this is Peter of the Peter Pepperstone radio. Today we are talking with Dr. Anthony Maxwell Jones. Dr. Jones has a Ph.D. in chemistry, and a career is in textile research. To add some further background let me read a bit more for the resume, and the story of his career Dr. Jones gave to us earlier this morning. Now, after running through all the denominational universities we read that Dr. Jones then took his gift to the new and financially strapped, The University of Far Northern Alaska, or sometimes called the Nebraska of Alaska because they have the same school colours and they replaced the Cornhuskers name with the title the Bushwalkers. Telling us about your time in that northern place Dr. in the north Dr. Jones.”
“Well Peter, I figured with all the experiences I gained at seven schools I was an ideal person to put The University of Far Northern Alaska on the map. That was humor Peter. With my incredible and overwhelming abilities This very small university needed a niche, that they boast about to the Ivy League and other universities. I was to make them the world’s leader in my special project with textiles.”
“What happened after your first year Dr. Jones.”
“Well Peter, let me tell your listeners that I was blindsided by an offer from the Dean. By the way, the dean Dr. Ellen Horsely is a 5-foot powerhouse, and very passionate (and loud) lover of life. She said to me very early one morning that the faculty had a closed-door meeting, composed a letter and she offered to share it with me at the right moment. It is very touching. May I read it Peter.”
“Good morning, listeners in beautiful rural North Dakota, it is 5:30 a.m. on this beautiful day. This is Peter of the Peter Pepperstone radio show. First, the DUI story circulating is bogus, and we will address that tomorrow morning live from the courthouse. But today we are talking with Dr. Anthony Maxwell Jones. Dr. Jones has a Ph.D. in chemistry, with an incredible career in textile research. In other words, he dedicated himself to what is around, and we take for granted.
Dr. Jones, please read the letter you hold passionately.”
Yes, Peter, I hope your listeners are as touched by this letter as I am. I read:
Dear Dr. Jones,
Dr. Jones, your research is beyond what our faculty members can fathom. It is clear to us as teachers and professors that you need to focus on your research rather than teaching classes. In fact, many students have suggested you stay in the lab and out of the classroom. It was also the opinion of the faculty that you should not attend any faculty or university gatherings for the same reason.
Sir, your expertise is rare, exceptional, and groundbreaking, and as much as you and we hoped that it would immediately attract students, faculty, and, of course, revenue, this has yet to transpire. In our talks, the faculty said we need to think of global options. We reached out and am pleased to say our sister University of Northern Sweden, which is next to the country’s psychiatric hospital, is offering you an immediate three-year assignment with a private lab. Thus, no interference.
It is the opinion of the department and the university that a European exposure would enhance your work and allow us in North America to digest your insights. It is the opinion of the department and the university that a European exposure would enhance your work and allow us in North America to digest your incredible, groundbreaking insights.
Likewise, we intend to share your insights with other departments beyond ours, such as the psychiatric to glean expanded revelations for the benefit of all.
Signed
Dr. Ellen Horsely, Dean.
Peter, the Dean, said to me that her whole being was quivering with emotion as she gave me the letter. She said the thought of me leaving was a very emotional moment, professionally and personally.”
“Thanks Dr. Jones, listeners in beautiful rural North Dakota it is 5:40 a.m. on this beautiful day. Let us thank our sponsor on this K.M.A. radio station, our sponsor is William’s Pancake and Burrito House on Second Avenue, where the coffee is almost always fresh. In fact, today on my way to the station at 4:45, in my 20-year-old rusted red Honda that police love to target, I saw Bill and my new wife in clothes I did not recognize opening the Pancake and Burrito House. Listeners, we are talking with Dr. Anthony Maxwell Jones about his discovery that he says will revolutionize the textile world. He said he is not pulling the wool over our eyes. We have laid the stage with his background so now I know that all of you are panting to hear Dr. Jones share this news on the Peter Pepperstone Radio Show on radio K.M.A. in rural North Dakota.”
“Thanks Peter, after years of dedicated all consuming research my time in a lab in Sweden saw a breakthrough. Naturally, I tested this monumental, paradigm shift, and world changing work at the psychiatric hospital next the university. I spent countless hours there with patients fine tuning my world changing work. They were wonderful people.”
“Peter, I am positive that everyone already knows that plants speak to us. We know that they have feelings and are sensitive. We have discovered and reported this in numerous papers, journals, and comic books. We all know how very, very tiny microphones placed near leaves record much. As we stroked leaves, the whole plant, Peter, it purrs. Sadly, if we cut off leaves the microphones pick up screaming. If you talk to a plant, it will hone on your voice. We have many, many, many reports of cameras showing plants quivering, yes quivering when you as a loving person enter a room, and of plants screaming if you are one of those pathetic souls who rips off dead leaves – with no religious ceremony whatsoever.”
“I am here to tell that textiles have the same emotional responses. Peter, I do not think you would like to be pulled and stretched, well, neither does nylon. I have witnessed many horror stories from reading seismic recordings of nylons being overly pulled. Why is it that people believe they can fit in a size smaller than they really are? And even when they pick the right size, they pull, stretch, and fight.
Now the most basic fight is socks; it is no wonder that after a violent cleaning of spinning and then cooking, once again, while violently spinning, you cannot find a pair. Yes, Peter, one is hiding and healing. How would you like someone stepping on you 10,000 steps a day? And then when people take the soaked socks, they blame bad smells on the socks, not the feet. I personally sat remarkably close to dozens of young female joggers to catalogue this travesty of sweat and stink. Oh, the humanity hurting the textiles.”
“Peter, consider where your wear your underwear. Oh, the torture inflicted on all the textiles, the countless styles, shapes, for both men and women. I must note that G-strings on women face much torture and shame. In my research I watched many, many young, nubile women taking off their G-strings, this was so I could measure the screams, the cries, and the tears, yes crying tears of the fabric. Cotton is very emotional Peter.”
“What about swim wear. It is always exposed to the sun. When we get tans and are burned, image what the poor trunks worn by men, and the various one-pieces, bikinis, etc. of women feel being subject to the same UV rays. I conducted an experiment where many women and some men disrobed in front of me so I could use my delicate testing machines to measure the damage to the textiles. Swimwear has a short life, and then we just discard them, and again with no religious ceremony or a single word of thanks for the service they provided.”
“Now Peter here is news that truly resonates in the cold North Dakota area – winter clothes. We stuff all kinds of textiles inside. Yes, buried, never to see daylight, like miners in dark caves. The cold they suffer is incredible. People come home and get warm and just toss the winterwear anywhere. Peter, how much thoughtlessness can textiles endure.”
“Now listeners, for a moment think of children. How often do parents when finding holes in pant knees act. After much violence and harm while being worn, we see these poor pants reshaped. Yes Peter, parents turn the pants into shorts. Peter, it is nothing short of amputations with no care to the textile. I can see the poor pants screaming even now, oh the nightmares.”
“I do not want to get personal Peter, but you arrived in torn jeans. They are popular creations, but to take textiles and to put holes the size of bomb holes around the pant is just mean and torturous.”
“Sorry to intrude Dr. Jones but as we are close to 6 a.m. and the news we first must break for a message from a sponsor then we can wrap up your incredible revelations. Also, folks, my producer, Elly, who completed here first month of success from A.A., N.A, and Overeaters A., needs to know we are proud of her. As we speak, she is working on the copyright so we can send this fascinating, groundbreaking story to the big networks for due compensation of course!”
“Hey folks, this morning Peter Pepperstone on the Pepperstone Radio Show and we are talking with Dr. Anthony Maxwell Jones. Dr. Jones is giving us an exclusive interview on the plight of textiles. It is almost news time, so we offer a word from Harold’s Drug Store. A store that sells what you need at the front of the store and quietly what the law will not allow at the back door. It is good to see Harold again after his vacation in the big house for seven months. In his absence, I helped his precious redhead, tall, voluptuous wife by looking after her business, and his. Now back to you Dr. Jones to wrap another morning show of the Pepperstone Radio Show, the best morning show in rural North Dakota here on station K.M.A.”
“Thanks, Peter. First, I would ask people that when their textiles have given everything, every day, and are being replaced, they receive a fitting, not a necessary thank you. I have several religious – Catholic, Protestant, non-denominational, Buddhist, etc., services plus various secular ceremonies as well. In all these cases, I have ceremonies that are 10 minutes ranging to an hour, some with churchy hymns. We need to say farewell with dignity and grace. The worn textiles will hear and appreciate this gesture.
“Second, my research in textiles has led me to believe that clothes should hang together seasonally in closets. Many women have thanked me for correcting this social injustice as I went through their closets. And, if possible, people you should arrange seasonal attire according to color and fabric, fabric being primary so stories may be shared by the textiles. I am sad to say that discrimination in colored textiles exists, orange and super hot pink are misunderstood and maligned. Other colors ignore them. We should praise these colors and build up their self-esteem as they serve us. And then given a dignified funeral.”
“Finally, Peter, one of our greatest issues is teenagers. In many bedrooms of numerous young women, I have explored their piles of clothes. Piles and piles, those on the bottom suffocating and often left for weeks unattended and unloved. This must stop. I have lectured these young people repeatedly.
There was one young female named Vicky, a niece of my dear Dr. Ellen, who received much attention in this matter. On one early morning, very early, I might add, since I was already in the house, I walked into her parents’ bedroom and gave them stiff warnings. I spoke harshly to her mother for failing to use fabric softener to ease the pain of the family’s clothing.” We pick on the vulnerable all the time. Sometimes consciously, and sometimes because we are oblivious and blind to their plight. We take them for granted!
“Thank you for so much insight, Dr. Jones. This is the Peter Pepperstone on the Pepperstone Radio Show. It is 5:59 a.m. and as we break for a comprehensive sixty second news update of international, national, state, regional, and town news. But first in local sports Frank’s Beer Drink team beat The Guardian Drinkers 12 to 6 last night. I was of course the MC. Now, we thank Dr. Jones for his earth shattering, or should I say textile shattering revelations. Outside I see several big black cars outside waiting to greet you, they must be fans. We will let you when this exclusive interview of textile madness becomes global. And here is my precious young, blond, niece who I hired as an intern, coming into the small booth, in her small flowery summer dress to read the news. This is the Peter Pepperstone on the Pepperstone Radio Show. Today we hear of undergarments but tomorrow we will look at a similar issue, the downtrodden, the malignant and oppressed in society. Do we abuse them? This is Peter Pepperstone, until tomorrow, I am signing off.”
